It’s the most wonderful time of the year

I’ve always loved Christmas. So much so I was mentally and physically bullied until I was 13 when my Mum broke my heart and told me Santa wasn’t real. I’m not even joking, to be fair when I was ten I went to Lapland and saw the real one so I took some persuading. Deep down I still believe. I saw him with my own eyes and pulled his beard, it was real so explain that one.

Anyway being a huge fan I was really looking forward to Christmas in New York. It was everything I imagined.

There were elf’s everywhere in Manhattan, mainly giving out flyers for discounts in shops and bars. Not sure whose big idea that was but I’d probably sack him. Nothing against dwarfs but surely the first rule of marketing is ‘get noticed’. A 3ft dwarf (sorry elf) standing in the middle of the busiest city in the world (don’t quote me on that one, China are taking over everything these days) probably isn’t the best way to stand out. I would have loved to have been in the meeting when that decision was made;

‘Right team, sales are down we need a big idea, shoot!’
‘Online advertising’
‘Too expensive’
‘Radio?’
‘No one listens to the radio anymore’
‘I know lets dress a dwarf as an elf and stand him in the middle of the city giving out flyers’
‘Now we’re thinking outside the box, good work Brad!’

If you’re going for the flyer approach, at least go for a man on stilts, a giant, a naked cowboy or a polar bear. Animal rights might have something to say about it but you’ll stand out, mission accomplished. Stepping away from its business merits I can’t fault it.

Then there was Santa, he was everywhere too. Bit confusing for kids but I think my Mum always told me Santa had lots of helpers around Christmas time. Once my Dad was Santa at the Junior school Christmas fete, I thought it was wicked my Dad was one of Santa’s helpers; coolest Dad in the world. That explained why when I was 11 I caught him putting my stocking at the end of my bed. What a Dad!

I love a Santa’s helper but was a bit concerned at the impact the rapping beardless CD selling black Santa’s could have on his image amongst kids.

‘Mummy black Santa sold me a blank CD’
‘Lucky that son, the ones with words on are worse’.

Not exactly ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’.

On my last night in New York before heading home for Christmas Luce and I went to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular which is a famous Christmas show that has been running for 5,000 years in New York. It was mainly 36 girls kicking their legs in the air but what really caught my eye (bit gay) was the real life sheep, donkeys and camels they used for the nativity. I read in the program (borrowed somebody’s, didn’t buy one) that they keep the ‘animal stars’ in one big stable back stage. No wonder the camels looked a bit sheepish.

Unless you’re Claus-trophobic (you can have that one) Christmas in New York is amazing but to me Christmas will always be a family time so I waved goodbye to the marketing elf’s, black Santa’s and real life nativity stars and flew home on the 23rd.

My Nan and Grampy (Kit and Percy, great names); yes I do still call him Grampy, probably should have switched to Grandad in my teens but after my Mum breaking the Santa news there was no way I was giving up Grampy. Anyway as I was saying they always come over and stay at Christmas.

I love them to bits; my Mum got a text on Christmas day and said:

Mum – ‘I’ve just got a text from my friend Dan, wishes us all Merry Christmas, that’s nice of him’
Nan – ‘Is that the gay one?’
Mum – ‘Yeah, he’s lovely’
Nan – ‘oooooo it’s nice to have a gay friend.’
Mum – ‘Why?’
Nan – ‘well it just is; what’s his name again?’
Mum – ‘Dan’
Nan – ‘oooooo little gay Dan’.

He’s not little.

Then later I’m explaining to my Nan about how our apartments are set up in New York. I explained that I have a room-mate but Lucy has her own room.

Nan – ‘oooooo that’s good’
Me – ‘Why Nan?’
Nan – ‘you know’
Me – ‘No Nan, what?’
Nan – ‘weeeeellll, you know’
Me – ‘what Nan?’
Nan – ‘well you can have a bit of nookie!’
Me – ‘Nan!!!’
Nan – *slapping her own wrist* ‘oooooo I am a naughty Nan’.

Gramps spends all day cracking one liners, trying to distract you so he can steal your dinner and eating all the pudding. Literally cuts himself a slice of pavlova then eats the rest. Nan tries every single bit of food we have even though she’d never dream of eating it at home; she’s got to try it because it’s Christmas. She’s been ‘trying’ Walkers ready salted, mince pies, Quality Streets, After Eights and Pringles for the last twenty years.

My Mum spends most the day hula hooping on the Wii Fit (badly); this year she got Wii Fit Plus and spent half the day flapping her arms, pretending to be a bird; who needs HD TV when you’ve got that kind of entertainment. When she’s not doing that she’s crying about how lovely it is that we’re all together again and generally getting more and more like my Nan.

At tea time I’ll make my Nan a sandwich with nothing in and she won’t notice till halfway through, often saying what a nice sarnie; works every year. Then we’ll watch Noel Edmonds make the whole worlds dreams come true, The Royle Family, Gavin and Stacey and go to bed.

As far as I’m concerned you can keep your Gavin and Stacey, Laurel and Hardy, Robson and Jerome, Bodger and Badger and even Delboy and Rodney, the greatest double act of all time are Kit and Percy!

I can’t wait for next year!

Happy New Year everyone! xxxx